Rusty vs The Tin Dog
by Starlite1
Summary: It was always going to be interesting... An S3 rumour and an attempt to quash it...


A.N: Right, the sequel of _Five ways Rhys Died (And one he didn't)_. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: The Beeb own it, and they do a fantastic job.

**Rusty vs. the Tin dog**

**Or**

**Five ways Mickey was topped by a psychopathic Dalek (and one time he survived…)**

1.

If Mickey had known that working at Torchwood Three in the universe he'd been born in was going to involve a Dalek who had barely passed the team's required psych evaluations, he would have stayed back with the cybermen. At least they were honest.

The same could not be said for the rest of his team.

"Ricky?" Jack bellowed from his office.

With a sigh of exasperation, he abandoned the fusion reactor he was cataloguing and headed up to see his boss.

"Where the 'ell are you?" He demanded, entering the glass-walled room to see only an empty desk.

"Down the pothole!" Came the dangerously charged reply.

Cautiously (though not because he was scared, because Mickey was better than that,) he descended down the ladder to find Captain Jack Harkness standing in the middle of a puddle of fluorescent goo.

IT was with restraint that the good Captain inhaled, his arms crossed over his glowing chest, "What did I say, _Ricky, _When you first signed on here?"

"That just because I was Rose's boyfriend-"

"_Ex, _Ricky! Jeez, you were there when she got married for cryin' out loud!" He snapped.

"-I didn't get to toff off all day."

"The other thing."

"What, don't touch the-"

"No."

"Leave the-"

"No messing with-"

"NO!" The Captain barked, "What. Did I say, about the Weevil droppings?"

"Don't leave them laying-" Mickey paled, "Oh God."

"I don't think even God's gonna be able to get you out of this mess, Ricky boy. Cells. All of them."

With a sigh, he was about to respond, when he heard a strange sucking sound from above, "What the-?"

Curiously he poked his head out, only to find it instantly sucked into the plunger that was Rusty's arm.

"WHO-LET-THE-DOGS-OUT?" Rusty rattled at the top of his electric voice, not noticing the wildly flapping arms of the human.

"Rusty!" Jack barked, reaching for the iPod someone had secured to one of his baubles and pressing the pause button.

Rusty seemed to blink at him, "JACK. WHAT-IS-WRONG?"

Jack sighed, "Look at your sucker."

Mickey was hanging limply from the limb, which Rusty quickly released. Mickey's body flopped to the ground like a sack of potatoes

"OOOOOPPPS…." He guiltily stated.

Jack sighed, reaching down to check the pulse point, "Gone. What were you doing?"

"CLEANING-THE-WEEVIL-DROPPINGS, MR. JACK…" Rusty explained.

"Looks like you did a pretty good job at it."

IOIOIOIOI

2.

"Rust-" Mickey called

There was a flash of green light, and Mickey disintegrated into a pile of ashes.

Gwen came through the door, glancing at the pile and turning to Rusty who was floating agitatedly above the ground.

"Well…?" She demanded, "What have you got to say?"

"NO-THING…" Rusty replied, "HE-IS-NOT-WORTH-THE-WASTE-OF-TIME."

Gwen shrugged, "Well, you're right there…"

IOIOIOIOIOI

3.

"On your marks…" Gwen announced, "Get set…"

"GO!" Jack interjected, sticking his tongue out at the Welshwoman even as their resident Dalek careened off down the abandoned street closely followed by her idiot of a husband in a five tonne lorry.

"Looks like it's going to shape up to be a pretty unfair fight…" Ianto noted.

One hundred meters down the road, they swung a hard u-turn, the lorry nearly three seconds behind the dalek.

"Where's Ricky boy gone?" Jack asked even as he noted Rusty's shooting of the garbage cans by the side of the road, which immediately careened out in front of the lorry.

"There." Ianto indicated, pointing to the door of the local pub.

Mickey was stumbling onto the pavement, missing and half flopping, half-jumping onto the road.

"WATCH OUT!" Gwen shouted.

"Wha-?" Mickey blearily said, turning around in a circle.

Only to be smashed into by a speeding dalek.

"AARRRGH!!" Rusty wailed, vainly trying to cover his eyestalk even as he dashed towards the finish line. The Torchwood trio turned towards the other competitor in time to see him careening in an effort to avoid the already dead Mickey (And still managing to go right over the top of him…) and slamming into the wall. Almost immediately there was a ball of flames that engulfed the lorry.

"Well," Jack said lightly, "That just goes to show there's more than one way to kill a bird."

"Birdbrain…" Ianto muttered.

"MY-HEAD-HURTS…" Rusty complained, only to be given a hug by Gwen.

IOIOIOIOIOI

4.

"That can't be good…" Ianto muttered, indicating up to the nest where Rusty was hovering next to an attentive Myfanwy.

Jack nodded, "But at least they're on our side for the moment…"

Just then, Mickey walked into the room, "My goodness, that weekend was fun! I really have to find a way to thank Rusty for washing my-"  
"Stop it right there." Gwen ordered as she moved past him to her desk.

Mickey shrugged, heading up the ramp with a steak from the fridge towards the pterodactyl's nest.

Five minutes later there was a scream, and Rusty came floating down from his previous post.

"What's happened, Rusty?" Ianto asked tiredly.

Rusty's lights dimmed slightly, "I-RAN-OUT-OF-CLOTHES-DETERGENT…"

"And?" Ianto asked nervously.

"THE-SAUCE-IS GOOD ON STAINS…."

IOIOIOIOIOIOI

5.

"EXTERMINATE!"

"ARGH!"

"EXTERMINATE!"

"ARGH!"

"EXTERMINATE!"

Silence…

"What on earth?" Gwen demanded as she marched into Rusty's room.

There was a pause as the dalek shifted uneasily on his antigrav plates.

"Well?" Gwen repeated.

"HE-TRIED-TO-STEAL-MY-TEDDY…"

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

And one he didn't…

"I'm out of here!!" Mickey screamed as he raced out of the hub.

Jack turned to Gwen, "What was that about?"

Gwen shrugged, "Rusty must've been singing in the shower again…"

Ianto walked in with a tray of coffees, "I take it that Mickey's gone?"

"Yes." Gwen and Jack answered.

Ianto shrugged, "Ah well, at least I can finally wash out his coffee cup."

IOIOIOIOIOI

A.N: Did you like it? Did you hate it? PLEASE REVIEW!!


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